PROLOGUE
(HE)
I took a cigarette out from the box and pretended to light it, you looked at me and squiggled you nose and trust me with the sun setting and the shades reflected on your face....you look beautiful. I throw the cigarette away.
Its so hard to believe we knew each other since the past seven years and its only been a month we started going out.
None of us ever shared our feelings....never spoke it out. And suddenly one day we met for coffee and we realized we know so much about each other.
One of my friends....a rich dad's kid had just bought his own aircraft for personal use....and he had a license. We were supposed to meet up today and he’s giving us a joyride....cool.
I look at you for some more time...
She went in for a bath and i flipped channels on the TV. Oh....i had forgotten about it....all the channels had the same thing on....END OF EVERYTHING...there were countdowns and watches and scientists who said nothing's wrong anywhere.... Meteorological surveys said nothing wrong......but just in case....they had shut off all flying activities....All ships were barred from the sea, and vehicles only on limited roads...
Long time....say twenty years back some channel showed the readings and how precisely the world ends on a particular day.
I hear the shower and the thought of you taking a show excites me....when would you come out...
23rd December 2012
1830hrs
I smiled...doomsday
8 of us got inside the small aircraft...posh interiors, music, and every possible thing. His co-pilot was 17yrs old.... hadn't even passed his driving test. Excitement built up as we bonded. The TV was on and he was watching the doomsday news chewing on his nails. I smiled again.
All strapped up , she held my hand, soft, cold, she's so perfect...I smile at her....she smiles back....
She came out of the bath and we made love. It was so delicious, soft...
2130hrs......Flight Level 15000ft...the aircraft loses control...we see the ground shake and brown gases makes visibility poor. Doomsday was true.
Everyone's dead. Empty.
(SHE)
I love the way you hold me gently when we make love....how you rest your head on my breasts and hear my heartbeats. I could see you were exited. This was something we had not done before...it’s our engagement....and you're planning to propose me in the aircraft.
I dress up my best...Just to impress you. I'd do anything for you.
8 of us got inside the luxurious bird....the leather seats and the jazz looked so pretty.
I catch you admiring me many times...
Around nine thirty everyone screams as the aircraft goes out of control for some time. I clasp your hand so tight that you wince in pain but i cant help it....
We look outside and the surface shaking mad....some kind of dirt.....brown....rose up and the skies were full of it.
He announced he couldn’t see the runway lights.
We landed after half an hour. I will remember this day till I die...masses of people, dead, were lying everywhere. It looked as if they just dropped dead.
Everything else was normal except for the brown fog.....now fading. We walked around and nothing moved. We all raced to our houses but everyone was dead.
It took me a week to come out of it. Now.....every time i breath in.....i know I’m inhaling the smell of a person who was once alive.....and now lies rotten on the road.
Circumstances.
A month ago...(Lost Pages)
There is nothing in the world that stops me from telling you that I love you....but we've not said it lately to each other.
Nowadays we rarely look at each other and talk....discussions end in single word answers. Have I hurt you? No....You must be asking the same question to yourself....No you haven’t hurt me.
Circumstances changes the way you express feelings....we still love each other...it’s the circumstances.
Sometimes I wish just the two of us were alive and we could have stuck to one familiar place...drinking wine...eating home cooked food...listening to Bobby Vitton.
Sometimes in the night i think I’ve seen you crying....sobbing quietly....the moon and the amber from the leftover campfire shines on your face....but maybe its just the wind...
I saw you watching the moths getting attracted to the fire and burning out insanely...I sat beside you. I had told everyone i needed some time alone with you so everyone had gone to sleep earlier than before. We had taken shelter in a trailer park. Sitting by you i spoke about the day we met for the first time....you smile, still looking at moths turning to ashes. I spoke about how we always wanted a place far from all the people, somewhere peaceful...a house on the beach...
See how quiet it is now.....you’re eyes have a line of tear now.
I took your hand and kissed it....you laughed at amusement. Then we sat quietly...I had never done something like this before. Just to make myself comfortable i pretended to light a cigarette and you squiggled your nose....I threw it in the fire.
With the fire now rose a faint smell of tobacco.
I took you in the trailer....table for two....wine....food...mainly heated sausages and bread, some perfume. We had dinner and we had wine....you looked awfully amusing with the lights playing on your face. If we had not been stuck here....i'd never have seen the reflections on your face.
I kissed you.
Happy birthday.
You cry for sometime...then...you ask me...
'When’s it going to stop?'
'I hope it never does..
Pages from the last herd...
Abruptly the world came to an end and all that was left....was yet to be found. You, me and some of our friends, not ones who we share, are there. We have a lot of things to see, lots of food to taste, lots of movies to see, lots of places to go......and we have a lot of time left now.
Breaking into shops we steal....ummm....not steal....we take only the bare minimum necessities required for survival....
Whiskey, sparkling water....oh...look there....some more good whiskey, so we take that....some scotch....more sparkling water, some good music special editions, some sausages......that’s it...that'll do till we reach the next town. We have fuel....lots of it....and a small aircraft....and one of us can fly it....so we fly off to wherever we think is going to be a good scenario and land at the nearest Highway....no cars there better than a runway now.
We have a blast in the night.......you see me sitting at a corner on a stone. My head is spinning with all the alcohol we've been pushing in our systems since the last few months....still somehow, I can think straight.
I look at you as you wipe my tears.....the flames from the bonfire reflecting orange and yellow on you face....
"you need a haircut and a shave you know..." you say.
For the first time in these months I've become tired of all the parties. I’m tired and still not enthusiastic to stop. Look at all the others....a few days back us...who survived didn't even know each other....see now...how we're dancing.
We look at the bonfire and the of our population drinking straight from the bottle and dancing to 1970's songs. I don’t know who picked up the 70's music.....but after the alcohol, everything goes. We look at the fire...
I guess this goes on till the day we all die....
The next day we wake up early.....not because of punctuality....but because when you're sleeping under the open sky.....the sun doesn't let you.
The guy who can fly us out of here is still out cold....his girl stays back(they e last night....so i guess that's how they're gonna end up).
There remains no scope of 'one night stands'...until of course we sit and talk it out.....you cant run away anywhere you know...when you are one of the lat 8 on earth.
There might be some more....like us....no contacts yet. Maybe down the line we might land up somewhere where the crew gets enlarged. You look so good when you're driving.....the way you brush your hair off your face, the way you keep your elbow on the window....and you wiggle your nose every time i light a smoke.
I take out a smoke....just to get a look at that face of yours an throw the unlit cigarette away.
We buy some more whiskey for the way.....i get loads of beer...the whiskey is doing damage. We found some 'ready to eat' stuff and some cheese. The place has other good things.....but we prefer to eat something that’s easy to find, open and eat after being drunk.
Driving back you look at me....its a straight road.....you rarely have to look outside, except at bends.....there has been no traffic ever since the day....
"When would it all settle down??....when would everything be back to normal? I used to enjoy breaking rules and doing crazy stuff......not anymore. It’s not fun. Even if we stop doing it.....what else do we do??....""
I wondered whether to answer your question or not.....I decide not to....you had answered it yourself.
We had got some good country songs. It was country night. We dressed up accordingly.
We're having fun....its sundown and we have already started the fest.....
My eyes are droopy with all the alcohol and non stop fun. We haven’t rested since a long time. My friend's girlfriend wants to go and pee.....there are a thousand and nine hundred places where she could but still she still wants a lookout.....everyone else is drunk and its 03.30AM......there is fog. Though I’m scared....i accompany her. She disappears in the field amongst the hundred pieces of fog sticking to the ground.
It’s been half an hour and more.....where is she??
Is she all right?
I walk to nowhere in the fog the direction she went to.....ten minutes....no sign.
I go back and sit on the rock where she left me.
Then u come ....
'What are you doing here??'
'Nothing.....just sitting here.....'
And then she comes hooking her skirt.......
'Hey.....where were you'
You leave and I can’t even run behind you........wait.
The flight to the next city is most astonishing ever....this is the first night since so many nights that we're not drunk. My friend got into a hot argument with his girl and they're not talking. Everyone noticed that she isn’t talking to me either. I have a lot of time to explain.....I’m clean....let her come and ask.
Outside the aircraft the lights look so beautiful. I think about all the people who had seen this.....including me. While landing into the city when everyone was still alive....i used to look at the lights....like diamonds and gold sparkling, it’s there for you to grab.
Now you can’t help but think about all the million lights and not a single person down there.
I look at you....you're looking at the diamond heaps too....are you thinking about the lights too?...no way to know. I see those eyes....beautiful and sad....I’m sorry i caused this but I didn’t mean to....if only I could sit next to you.....we can cry together.
Human emotions mean so much...even when there is nobody out there....you can’t help your emotions.....every time we go to a departmental store to pick up food....we feel guilty, as if we are stealing. Every time we leave a city we have a last look at it and sometime....i think.....I’ve seen tears lining up in those beautiful eyes......don’t we all wish everyone was there......don’t we all wish were home.....no way to know.
I realize now, that you're looking at me. Eye contacts are so meaningful....no words...you just start crying and hide your face in those beautiful hands. I go sit beside you and you hug me......We never speak about it.
Everyone is happy....they're looking at us.
We have stopped wondering which city we're in. Sometimes we come across the names, the other times we dont even bother. Cities, racism, color, anger, relationships, past, future.....all of this does not matter when you're the last few surviving people.
When i was a teenager...i used to lock myself in the cupboard for hours when a bad news, war on TV or something like that used to happen.....i used to sit in the dark and cry my heart out. Then used to dream about how I’m going to save everyone from pain one day......I haven’t cried since a long time. We see a thousand dead lying on the road rotting every day. Maggots creeping out of those bodies. We go there only to get food.....our beds and life is spent on the outskirts of nowhere where you rarely see anyone dead. The world stinks though....of rotten flesh......which we don’t mind anymore. There have been times we've eaten food walking by streets full of maggoty dreads......thinking of it makes the bile rise up inside.....
I take a sip of coke. Coke tastes good.
I saw a wild look in his eyes today....they got into an argument....and he slapped her hard.....then his eyes had a maniac look....almost as if he enjoyed slapping her. He straddles over her and slaps her again and again until we stop him. He's breathing hard.......He pushes us away and runs out in the wild......we run after him.
A pack of dogs....wolves....I don’t know.....but they were huge and strong attacked us. All the dead meat has made them diseased and strong......the dogs eat the dead bodies now. They love the taste....we run and hide ourselves in a truck. He came a few minutes afterwards and we let him in.......
The truck was dark and we decide to sleep there till morning...the dogs are growling outside.
His hands are swollen and pus is drooling out of the wound....the dogs had bit him last night. His eyes are rolling up and he's foaming from the mouth.....I look at you.....and I see tears.....the others know it too.
Two of us lift a huge heavy rock and squash the guys head.
When everyone had moved....i went back to the body and I kicked it.....I punched it....I heard bones cracking.......it felt so nice.
What is happening to me?
His girl....I see her flirting with another guy already....it’s been half an hour since we killed him....no remorse...let her.
We all sit quietly in the night drinking beers listening to classics.....no one speaks.....I notice everyone is getting irritated the way she's flirting with the other guy......her slap marks from the fight with her boyfriend, now dead, are still fresh.
I got up and slapped her hard.....and the guy punched me in the face and I pass out for a few minutes....I've started enjoying the feeling of hurting others....it feels good. I look at you....
'What’s happening to you?'
'Nothing...'
'At least don’t lie to yourself.......look at you....'
My hands are trembling....the urge to hurt her overpowers me and i punch a tree.....you got up and went away. I know.....this time it’s my fault.
No one talks to me the way they used to ......it’s OK.,...I don’t want to pick up a fight either.
We found a nice house and decided to stay there for the night.....We made love....I hurt you in a sadistic way, tried to choke you and bite you….hold your arms so tight I could see the marks settling down....you seem to like it. We don't make eye contact as we do it.....you cry....and let me hurt you....
What are we doing.....what’s happening to us...
We get wilder....I slap you on the face and you dig you nails to my side.......we don’t talk all night. You don’t even sleep in my arms.....We never speak after that....
Its been a month since that day....we haven’t spoken at all.....though every week we make love.......it’s almost as we're punishing each other....others notice the dark circles around our eyes.....our bruises....no one says anything.
It’s almost as if we're blaming ourselves for the world that ended.
It’s not our fault.....
The urge to cry has now become a necessity to induce pain.
No one makes love anymore....we just let out our fears and anger by hurting each other and grasping those few moments of superiority.
I wish i was home....with you...watching people walking by....cars.....sunset.
You're sitting there watching the sunrise out of the window......your body....and the sunrise.....the scars from last night are prominent on your back.
What are you thinking?
No way to know.
Is there any way to know how we're going to end up? There was a time I remember, the politicians begging for peace......promises to end wars....Weren’t the armies killing people to achieve peace? I never saw the point in trying to reach peace by killing each other.
There will never be peace, I’ve realized.....even when the last few should be living as a close pack.....we're breaking up...
Two of them decided to stay back in the town....They had their own idea of starting a bible of their own.
They wanted to be the Adam and Eve of this town...We bid farewells and leave.
We drive nowadays.....the unhealthy lifestyles has got the worst out of us. We decided to die diseased than die in a plane crash.
Just out and on the road.....we saw at least a hundred wolf/dogs running towards the town we just left. For a second I decided to turn around and get the Adam and Eve....we all knew the pack is going to kill them....
A hand on my shoulder pressed hard......we could not help them....we have to move on.
Its just the five of us....and the whole world.....is there any way to know how to end this?
We found a town clean off bodies....apparently these people had gone to the city to protest against some shit.....ended up dead midway.
Its got nice houses and the place is beautiful ,,,,,an occasional breeze brings in the dead stench.....we've trained our senses such that it doesn’t bother us anymore.
Two of them stay together and we are the neighbors. The guy who used to fly us earlier........she attends to him, he’s got pneumonia. None of us are doctors or even first aiders......a book from the near medical shop told us how to identify the symptoms.....we're trying his luck on different medications. If not the disease....he'd die of the medication for sure.
He did.....after a month. We buried him in the cemetery....a roughly dug grave.
After a long time felt sad......you come and hug me and I cry…
The four of us took turns in cooking food.....some days we got alcohol from the city and make a bonfire like before.....listen to the 70's songs and crack jokes. That’s the best we can do to lead a normal life.
We grew closer....though the lovemaking was still a wild game....it grew wilder. No matter how much we tried hiding it.....we were turning into savages. I noticed whip marks on our neighbor’s wife's hands too.....
A month later you gave birth to our kid.....Mixed feelings.....what would he grow and learn. Watching the baby cry made me cry too.....what he did to get a life in a world like this?
The answer, i knew not, would come to us very soon. I just stood there thinking about my question, thinking about everything, thinking about the answer in front of me. Watching through the window.
A wolf pack attacked. From the window I saw you struggling to free the torn parts of our baby from their bloody mouths.
I watched.....you saw me looking at you, tired, crying.....howling.....I didn’t come outside to help you.
The rabid dogs had bitten you.....wild.....a mother with shreds of her baby...You froth from the mouth....convulsions.
The neighbors come out after the dogs had left......they crush your head and you die.
I will miss you.
My eyes never shut that night.....I puked......alcohol did not help. I could see the baby.....your baby crawling on the floor.....I could see the wolves/dogs....the animals fighting for food, the baby in their jaws....the head being ripped apart....you shrieking...wild....wilder than the dogs.....why didn’t i help you?
I took a Smith and Wesson and fired a shot in the air.......it was dawn.....I was standing on your blood, or the baby's, cant be sure...
The shot echoed far off and the two of them also came out.
I smiled and shot myself the heart.....death wasn’t instant.....a short burst of pain and soon I was chocking in my own blood.
Just before closing my eyes......I pray to god, a good life for the last two people on earth.
Lying on my back...as i close my eyes....death finally approached.....I see a small dot....A chopper flying high above. The ones we used to love watching when we were kids. The Air Force choppers.
I hope they notice them.....save them.
I’m sorry....i couldn’t wait anymore to meet the both of you...I had to go.
I smile as i close my eyes....you, me....sitting on the rock....your face, the orange yellow play created by the flames...
The rest of them dancing ....
'When does this end??...are we going to stop anytime??' you ask me in a sad voice.....I smile looking at you.
'soon ....'
Death wasn’t painless.....and pain never ended even after dying. I met my wife and kid........then i was thrown back on earth to re-live the last days again and again......
When does it end...'
No way to know.
I walked through the streets and city shops....searching for someone like me......I guess a mother and a baby never die and go anywhere.
I saw my baby dying....ripped apart.....She being smashed by a rock....i wanted them to be free of agony....I just didn’t have the courage to do it. Little did I know how happy she was when the baby came....
THE LOST PAGES (Past-Present-Till Death)
Human psyches have changed.
One night I remember sneaking out of the bed just to watch what others are doing....compare it to what me and she are going through.....
I saw them naked on the bed....she being protectively, comfortably held by her....both fast asleep....The other two were making love....passion.
She was licking someone too....trying to arouse it. How could it be possible?? We had crushed her guy last night.....
She was making love to a dead body. The body...lifeless....cyanosis was over and it was white....it moved lifelessly. Bloated up....the body was of a woman's....and she must have been a beautiful one.
Then i see her looking at me with loathing....she banged the door shut.
I walked back to my room.
We're not humans anymore. I woke her up and we made love aggressively....I put my head on her breast just to feel the heartbeats,....
At least I’m with someone alive....
CONTD............
Another page.... ...(Lost Pages)
Sometimes I sit awake all night wondering about the times you've asked me when this is going to end. I always have an answer...soon, no way to know, it will be all right....
I wish there was some truth in my words... all the things I told you, all the answers I gave you were mostly a question to me... something I used to make myself believe .
When I was a kid my mom used to make pudding which was the best in the world....we used to steal it and have all of it....and then I would get sick. After a few years, I would get sick just by looking or smelling the pudding.
When we started it was all fun.....now I’m sick of it....I’m sick of all the booze, I’m sick of breathing....the putrid smell which comes every breeze in the air....
Cockroaches and a million insects come out in the night...they were right...whoever said that cockroaches will never die. Thankfully most of the insects, like the moths suddenly started having this taste for light....we saw fireworks of insects every night when the fire was lit. Under the streetlamps in the city....in the stores....there were insects flying at full speed and hitting the lights and falling down writhing in pain....as if they want a way to die and still cant......I was living that.
You get up and go out....never even look at me....What is happening??....I hear you shouting and banging the door....you always do that when the cockroaches disturb your midnight pee......I'm sick of your Tantrums.....
I think of all the books, all the movies, fiction.....How can eight regular people figure out ways to contact other people on radio? ...we don’t even listen to the radio anymore..
I remembered the shortest and the scariest story I had ever read....
Fredric Brown's "Knock"
The last man on Earth sat alone in a room.
There was a knock on the door.
The story so short yet so creepy....I looked at the moon....the sky, minus the pollution, remains so clear nowadays. It doesn’t even rain so often. We hate it when it rains....the insects.....and the dogs trying to take shelter.
You come in banging the door open and I get scared.....Me, lost the thread of thoughts....you go back to sleep....ignoring me completely....
The moonlight on your face....I’m sick of this life.....There is an urge to slap you.....I clench my fists....then you turn in your sleep and your hand falls over me....
You open your eyes...
"Not sleepy?"
I ignore her question.....and ask her...
"Are we still in love?"
You close your eyes.
Closing your eyes is always better than trying to give an answer.
Contd..
THE START
I always admired you.....the way you look, dress up, the way you used to talk. We always agreed to each other. I always sat next to you at lunch....but we never spoke. If only i could gather guts to tell you how much i love the way you pinch you nose when in stress...
It never occurred to me til the day we met....that both of us wanted to say it....both of us wanted to sit next to each other and eat together. Seven years we knew each other in and out....but never spoke a word.
The day I decided I HAVE to go and say it....I walked straight to your table....and you smiled.....the perfection always amused me.....We had coffee....and i kept smiling sheepishly.....
Then you say it...
"Are you going to say it or should i?"
You did. And it was such a relief....i realized i had been holding my breath for a long time.....I nervously lit a cigarette.....
You squiggled you nose....that was the last time i smoked a cigarette.....
I'd give up a thousand habits for that expression blended with the smile you gave.
One month passed and we've been together for seven years.
I wish some things were easier in life....when will they make a GUT MACHINE for this one time in life....
Some days sitting in the front of the campfire i would look at you staring at the moths burning.
Some days i tried to read you mind......I remembered the first day at the coffee table.....You've never told me anything about you....anything which goes on in your head.....What is it that you think....why do you and breath in deep and close your eyes every time i tell you that I still love you.
Tonight....
I don’t even know if we know each other.
Was I ever there?
Another page.....
Sun was covered partly and it started to drizzle. My friend decided not to fly the aircraft today. We all were happy here anyways....The first time in our lives we held real guns...we got it from a bunch of rotten bodies in the town yesterday. The rich dad's kid, Rich Kid, taught us how to use it....we pumped a few bullets into the dead watchman outside the bank.
Everyone shot a bullet or two startling the endless peace of the city....one or two dead bodies ate fresh bullets every now and then.....we felt like real men.
We enjoyed killing dead. One of us shot a dog down....and we were so happy.
We loaded kegs of beer onto the truck she was driving...
I smiled at you sitting at the wheel and kissed you from the open window....
We got some other stuff...barbed wires and loads of wood....
As you drove i looked at you...
Why do all women smell good? … why do all women look good when the sun rises....why do all the women look good sleeping?
"Yes mate!!!.....They do" said the rich kid...
"How do you know what I’m thinking!!?" My heart was beating faster now, scared of my thoughts being read by someone else. My definition of horror, i think...and I could feel you looking at me wondering what me and him are talking about.
He threw me a can of beer from the back of the pickup truck and smiled...
Most of the day went securing the area with barbed wires over a circular wall of parked cars the others had put up the barbed wall around the lot while we had gone to the city. Once safe from the dogs....the fire was lit.
It was some music i couldn’t recognize....i asked the rich kid,
"Who's this?"...
"The last man on earth by Flamico...mate.....we are the last....."
He was perched on top of a Chevy pickup truck...the huge barbed wire fencing rising behind him.....His open shirt and shorts.....sweat dripping....he sipped whiskey straight from the bottle and winced as if in pain.....he had a hat on....
By all means he looked lost...
Didn’t even care about patting his lips dry.
I got up and sat on the Chevy with him.....he was looking at her.
"How'd you know what i was thinking of....in the afternoon....?" I asked him.
The fire played colors on everyone...ranging from gold, amber, White....orange glowed the faces of people lost in trance listening to the song....we were hidden in their shadows....still gold.
He looked at me through the whiskey bottle....and then smiled.
"Listen to the story mate....does it remind you of something?....don’t you know that we're living between a zillion dead bodies...and still....look at us.....take a deep breath....What do you think about that??...YES....it IS someone rotting a hundred miles away, and still.....look at us."
He sipped some more raw whiskey and looked at her again....he lit a smoke....
"The night is full of pulp dreams of reality....isn’t it fiction what we are living in.....NO....its the reality...IT USED TO BE FICTION...and those buggers who dreamt of it are not the ones surviving. We are eight people here....Everyday I look at one person and after a week i have the same person to look at again....Isn’t it enough time and all the peace against distractions to help me understand all of us better???
I aint a mind reader my friend....It’s you who can’t keep your thoughts hidden from me. To me, you are shouting your thoughts away"
I got another beer for myself......The rich kid was on the grass now....lying flat....eyes closed. I sat down....looking at him....nothing he said made sense to me....
Then he got up...shook his head...took another sip and went back to sleep.
"Tell you what my friend...." he said...eyes still closed...."we had so many distractions and competition when kids still played on the street.....we really had to work hard to connect....to love......It’s become all very simple now.....exclusively for you, i just have one thing to say.... too much love kills."
A week later we crushed his head with a huge stone...the dogs had bitten him.
I'll always remember you drunk...
'The night is full of pulp dreams of reality....isn’t it fiction what we are living in.....NO....it’s the reality..'
I ask you what you think looking at the moths....you smile....head resting on your knees....You don’t even look at me.
The day i shot myself with the Smith and Wesson i remembered the rich kid....
Shirt open, in shorts....shooting bullets at the sky and laughing like a maniac....everyone laughed, i could see the madness in his eyes....somewhere, and inside I knew we all will end up like that.
".....too much love kills."
CONTD......
Another page.....(3)
The weather had been unpleasant since the past two days. The rains brought some relief relief. It rained hard on the roofs...mud everywhere...the sun, bright and the heat...unbearable. Humidity had taken its toll....we wore minimal clothes and sweat was everywhere.
The breeze was warm, and the stench grew stronger than ever. It was a tiring job to move the dead from the houses and out of the town. We preferred living in small villages and towns where the goners’ could be dumped out easily....for fresh air.
The heat rose one day when I saw that they were on to her more obvious than ever...I tried distracting him by getting into foolish drunk conversations. I saw the others eyeing the women too...I was least bothered about the others....The six of them made out with each other at every possible place out in the open except near the fire.
You had not said a word since a long time...we sat together sometimes but...never spoke...I went to the woods to relieve myself off the alcohol....
I came back and saw you laughing, chatting with the rich kid...My anger had no limits. I sat beside the two of you and you kept laughing.
For a moment i looked at you and all anger sunk...you looked so beautiful...just like the first time....at the coffee table....
I tried distracting myself from the scene...but everyone else was busy having a conversation of their own....i could have joined them anyways..... but I didn’t....I hid myself in shadows and drank looking at you...happy in someone else's company.
You had gone to sleep....rich kid came up to me....he put his arm around me and offered me the bottle of whiskey he drank raw whiskey from...
"She's soooo sweet...you're a lucky man you know..."
I flung his arm away....and i punched him, and slapped him.....he fell on the floor...his tee-shirt torn....he looked at me in disgust.....
He got up and gave a jab which knocked the lights off me....I came around after a minute or two....he sat there...on the bonnet of a jeep...like he always does.
He was smiling now....the fire was dying and everyone was in the shadows now.
No one had noticed our fight...two were missing from the scene, i guess making out. You were asleep...
The rich kid sat there looking at me smiling...he offered me the whiskey and I took it....my jaw pained.
"You know....when the mankind started....The early man?....they used to have a fair fight with the other men....then the winner used to club the woman to unconsciousness...and the make love to her. Then they had kids...and a herd of their own......." he looked at me rubbing my jaw....
Then continued....
" I don’t want her...she's all yours. I'm just worried about all of us...."
The drained the remains of the alcohol remaining in the bottle....and went off to the woods....
Are we civilized anymore?
CONTD...
Page-Few Weeks Before The End
Anguish
After years, today, when we went to the city to get supplies and alcohol, I got myself a dictionary. I searched for the meaning of the word anguish. The meaning didn’t satisfy me, I don’t know, it’s been a few weeks since I've been feeling this madness trying to overpower my true self. It’s like...it’s like....a person dead, and buried inside me wakes up inside the coffin. And it’s trying to break free...out into the world. Break free and overpower everything I had.
She came and sat beside me today, and she hugged me...and I don’t know why...I turned and hit her....and I wanted to hit her more. She was lying there weeping....and then I hugged her. I never apologized. She never asked. We just sat there staring at the moths.
Maybe she's been so quiet lately because the madness inside her is trying to escape to.... But I’m too egoistic to talk about it to her.
I can see clearly that couples have been made. Futures have been decided....even with the last surviving few....the traits of nature don’t change.
We drive pickup truck from far off and make a wall to protect us every day and cut our hands setting up barbed wire fencing. I used to wince and shiver as the blades and thorns in the wire used to cut into my palms...nowadays I don’t even bother to dress the wounds....the thought of pain excites me.
In the day when we are awake, and there is nowhere to go....we go and practice shooting the birds....sometimes I wonder why the birds fly to the east at noon every day. Maybe there is some place where people are alive like us....the thought seemed more like humor.
I aimed at a dog eating something I couldn't ,make out what....it was far off....a sound made me turn and my gun pointed at you standing at some distance,...you were looking at me. I didn't put the gun down. My hands stiffened and my finger pulled the trigger nearly half way down..
Later that night you came....but you didn’t hug me.
Is this anguish that we're feeling or is it only me loving the urge to pull the trigger on everything living in sight?
Few More Pages
In the day the two of us decided to disappear for some time. So we took a car, out of the many we used in the night as a part of the wall, and drove to a hill nearby. The hill was nearly the best place we had been to since a long time. I just wanted to take a break from all the craziness we were up to and to make her feel loved once more. Maybe it was me who wanted to feel loved.
We drove in silence. None of us uttered a word. She tried the radio but all that came was a nonstop hiss, some stations still relayed the recorded nonstop S.O.S. message. She put on a retro C.D. and the tracks were the least of my concern. We didn’t even look at each other, I just wondered if, behind the emotionless face lies the same kind of thought process which is running in mine…No way to know.
We sat on the hill under a tree shade. Far away we could see the tiny dots of our camp, others must be still asleep, and it’s going to be dark soon, More alcohol to forget everything. The tree had some wild flowers growing like rabbit babies, all around were half dried flowers which must have fallen from this tree, red, orange, yellow, and brown. The rest of the hill was just a green slope, no one could die falling off from here, just manage some bruises rolling. I put a cigarette in my mouth deliberately and turned to look at her, she wasn’t looking. She was on all fours crawling towards something I couldn’t see, but I just stood there watching her after a long time, being inquisitive. I put the unlit cigarette in my pocket in my mouth and went to have a look and saw in her hands, a pup, not more than a few months old, so it was kind of big, but not grown up. She caressed it and this poor chap was so scared and shivering. It was eating the dry flowers, at least one dog we won’t get scared of.
For the first time after so many days, she looked at me with the shivering pup in her hands and smiled, and then everything just slowed down. I went and hugged her and we cried in each other’s arms, no words were spoken. I was half smiling half crying, I hugged the puppy too and felt so happy. I kissed her.
It had been just a few minutes and I was wondering why the pup was scared when I saw a pack of dogs down the hill growling. Without second thoughts I grabbed her hand and ran towards the car, halfway she turned back and ran a few steps to grab the pup. The other dogs were closing in… We shouldn’t have come here. I grabbed her hand again and we ran to the car.
The dogs climbed on the car, started scratching the windshield with both the paws and I couldn’t see because of the damaged windshield. Two dogs were squashed as I started the car…It was going to be night soon, I had to kill these dogs here or it might be trouble for us in the night. I hunted the rest of the dogs down with a shotgun. The pup was shivering more now, and she was trying to calm it down, not bothered with the gunshots at all. None of us are scared of silly things anymore. It took me some half an hour more to heap them up and burn them with the gasoline from the car. We returned to the base. I parked the car and she got out. I saw everyone else had already started drinking.
She put the pup on the ground and smiled at me…the pup wasn’t shivering anymore, it was looking at us with shiny eyes.
BLAM…
“There, that bugger could have messed up our night…You guys should be more careful. Lets put up the barbed wires before some more of those get in” The rich kid turned the pup into pulp with his shotgun.
She didn’t cry, I didn’t cry. But I never saw her smile again. Would she ever… No way to know.
For now, rich kid is happy he saved our lives, and the both of us shared a moment and she had smiled in the morning is like a dream which never actually happened.
I poured myself a stiff whiskey and saw her sitting next to the bonfire alone.
Alone, arms wrapped around herself, watching the moths burn up. I’ll miss you…
Contd..
Drifting away
What happens to people when they can’t look forward to a future was never thought of, and now all of us here are experiencing it firsthand. We rarely talk. Not even nods, liked street bums with too much of cheap drugs pumped inside them, we just walk aimlessly or stare at far where no one can make out what is being stared. The music stock lay untouched. Trips to the city had reduced. Most of the times we went days without food.
Some days we did go out, but the drives were quiet. Nothing startled us anymore. We stopped by to take a break during the drive home.
I saw her looking at a wild flower. She bent down and smelled it, and then closed her eyes. I saw him looking at me sitting inside the car. He didn’t move his eyes when I looked back, then he looked at her. He passed me a smoke and I refused. The cigarette game wasn’t fun anymore as she didn’t care if I pretended to light a smoke. He lit one and said, “Wow…I wish I could love someone so much”
I thought about it all night while we drank around the fire. We drank, now, not to enjoy, but to get drunk and sleep to pass another night without getting disturbed by the fear of dying.
She was by the lit fire. Why does she do this? In the night I feel her breath on my chest as she sleeps on my shoulder, my hand on her side. Softly she sleeps and a little jerk meant she’s having a bad dream. I gently press her face on my chest and she goes once more, back to good dreams. I get sleep when I know that she’s beside me.
But in the morning we don’t look at each other. I wake up and see her at the side of the bed, curled into a ball, clenching the covers and not me.
I just lay there till she gets up and goes to take a shower. I just pretend to sleep till she’s out of the room, sooner the better. We don’t look at each other all day. What's happening is unexplained, and I just live, now, for those last hours of the day with her on my shoulders, till I go to sleep. The next day reality comes back with the light.
Up in Smoke
The last few days, before the night when she will no longer rest her head on me to sleep, and I would no longer have to pretend to be sleeping while she wakes up and leaves the room as if last night never happened.
The others were shouting outside the room. We have to move now, there was a forest fire moving towards here. I got up and lit a cigarette and she came in. I looked at her as she stopped what she was about to say and looked at the cigarette, then at me, then our eyes met…the moment paused…but she sniffed and went out without saying a word, gently closing the door behind.
And I knew I’ll never see her alive again...I’ll never see anyone alive ever again.
We all cramped inside a van with a trailer behind us with guns, bullets, fuel, barbed wires and supplies. As we drove past the road, the smoke from the forest fire fogged the road, it was hot. Everything turned orange, yellow.
As rich kid drove, he kept looking at all of us through the rearview mirror and sipped scotch...and he kept checking everyone’s expressions as if reading us. But he couldn’t. And then I saw it in his eyes, he realized too, as did I, we had all died.
I looked at you looking at the fire.
I felt insane, I felt like strangling you, I felt as if I had just caught you cheating on me, I wanted to hold you...
Then you looked at me and we looked at each other with blank expressions. and then I looked at the rear view mirror...Rich kid's eyes were smiling, I looked at him, he still looked at me through the rearview mirror smiling and evil smile, and I knew what was going on in his mind...
I smiled. Maybe we are not dead yet.
